Gummi Lies

Every once in awhile my daughter will say something, read something, or watch something that leads me to believe that my childhood is lost. Or at least that the innocence of my childhood is lost. It happens quick and many times you have to bite your tongue so as not to ruin the little one’s innocence. The other day such an event happened.

My daughter was watching The Gummi Bears. Hopefully many of you remember these cute little bears that made Gummiberry juice and bounced around the forest combating the evil ogres and befriending the princess of a nearby kingdom. This cute tale of bears seems innocent enough, but let’s take a deeper look.

The Gummi Bears make Gummiberry juice which gives the bears the ability to bounce around while giving humans super strength (or so they think). The bad guys want the juice, however they also do not like the bears. In one episode Duke Igthorn (the main bad guy) actually stops the ogres from destroying Gummiberry bushes because he would rather do something else evil that would leave the bushes in tact so that the Gummi Bears could keep making Gumiberry juice. Oh my god the Gummi Bears are drug manufacturers! They create a “juice” that gives humans strength. I wonder if Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens have ever had Gummiberry juice?

Beyond that, the Gummi Bears have all of these secret passages and doorways that allow them to secretly travel throughout the kingdom. So now not only are they making drugs, they are also distributing the drugs in secret. They pop open a door in the Princesses headboard and say, “Hey there blondie, got your juice for ya.” (They don’t actually say that but you get the picture.)

The Gummi Bears also show individual signs of certain maladies. Take for instance Tummi Gummi, who appears to have an eating problem. Perhaps this is a side effect? Or what about the resident artist Gusto who talks to a toucan? Just how far does this evil go and will Zummi ever be able to gain back his short term memory so he can actually make a spell work right?

It’s a sad day when such icons of youth turn dark. I will forever remember the fond times of my youth when Gummiberry juice was just a plot device rather than an insidious epidemic. I can longer watch the show without thinking that perhaps steriods in baseball are the fault of the Gummi Bears. As my innocence has been lost, I only hope that Darkwing Duck does not happen to be on anytime soon or the rest of my innocence may be gone. Wait what was that, the Devil appears in an episode?