Run Indy Run!
Oh how my heart was racing as I sat in my seat waiting for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The theme music, the whip, the hat, the aliens! What the hell do you mean Indiana Jones encounters aliens! Who’s stupid idea was it to have aliens in this movie. That’s exactly what I wanted, aliens and Indy. I now officially declare aliens and Indy to be an oxymoron, they make no sense at all.
I love Indiana Jones. Heck, I want to be Indiana Jones, minus all the snakes, spiders, bugs, guns… Okay so maybe I just want to be the adventurer archaeologist. I have to say that Harrison Ford looked great in his fedora. The years have been kind in a rugged way, and he hasn’t lost that Indy touch. However, the rest of the cast and the film itself has lost the Indy touch.
As far as the story goes, we get Indy on his to find out another mystery. This time it deals with a crystal skull, that we eventually discover is potentially from a downed UFO and therefore an alien. We are introduced to the baddies of the film which include Col. Dr. Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) as the evil Russian mind melter something or other. The plot degenerates from there. Moving right along after a great chase sequence, Indy finds himself on a nuclear test site for no reason except we get some neat graphics of him in a refrigerator flying through the air. And a really bad gopher. I never said Indiana Jones was believable, and in most cases you tend to overlook that when watching any Indiana Jones film. Somewhere along the way we are introduced to Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf), who really got on my nerves. Right from the start, his character reeks of bad acting and even worse future Indy styling. Indy needs to save Mutt’s mom (which is a highlight as Karen Allen reprises her role as Marion Ravenwood) and his adopted dad (another minor highlight as Professor Henry ‘Ox’ Oxley is played by John Hurt), which miracle upon miracle, is wrapped up in the crystal skull craze. Move the action to the jungle and cue more chases. Finally we reach the ultimate answer the crystal skulls, aliens. Fucking aliens.
My venom knows no bounds when it comes to the fact that even if a film is unbelievable, there are bounds to the unbelievability. With Indiana Jones, the wild and unbelievable artifact was always at least somewhat rooted in threads of believability. The arc is a believable legend, as well as the holy grail. But for some reason, aliens do not seem rooted in anything but someone’s (Spielberg) obsession with aliens. Crystal skulls have many legends attached to them including aliens, but legends and seeing a fucking alien open up a dimensional portal are two entirely different things. I can accept all of the action, it fits Indy. I can accept some bad acting, I did for three other Indy films. But I cannot accept aliens. Therefore I present my final verdict.
There is no reason to see this film unless you can overlook the fact that it is a bad film and just want to revel that Harrison Ford can still be Indiana Jones. I would rather go back and watch all three other Indy films than watch this one again. My frustration with this film is comparable to the unforgivable Lucas doing more Star Wars films. Oh gee, you mean Lucas was involved with this too. Now it all makes sense. Look, Indiana Jones will always be a crowd pleaser and a money maker, but enough is enough. Shia will not be the next Indiana and there should be no more Indiana Jones films. I suggest you watch National Treasure: Book of Secrets instead. You heard me, it was more entertaining. So long Indy, you will always have a place in my heart but now that place has a little black spot I call, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.